I am not enough…
No other time of year does this truth apply to me more than it does during football season:
I am not enough.
I’m not even close.
I come up short of the goal line.
It seems when I am under pressure (Get it? Just a little football humor), the first thing to go is the cool, calm and collected part of my mom repertoire.
I get crabby. I screw up. I yell. I serve cereal for dinner too many times in a week. I forget things… a lot of things.
In other words, during football season, I fumble.
Proverb 24:10 says, “If you fail under pressure, your strength is too small.”
That would be me. And the former Vikings kicker (Sorry, that’s my last football joke). Funny not funny, right? I can totally relate to that guy.
I was lamenting my inadequacies this weekend, on my knees and asking God to help me when I heard a still small voice remind me that I don’t have to be enough, because HE is.
And you know what? He absolutely is enough.
I’ve been learning about that as I study the book of John. I’m not quite done reading it, but studying it has completely changed my relationship with God. I have grown in my knowledge of who he is, how he loves me, and what he wants from me as his child. I have a deeper appreciation for his plan and his love and his sacrifice for all of us. I feel like I got to meet Jesus in those pages, to see who he is and how he points everyone to the Father. The more I read, the more humble I became, because I saw a glimpse of the fullness of his glory.
He is all of those things and more than enough.
In chapter 6, Jesus performs a miracle; he feeds 5,000 people with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. He takes that which isn’t enough, and he multiplies it and makes it enough. Here’s what I know to be true: The same man who was enough for the 5,000 is enough for me.
He will supply me when I run out. He will carry me when I fall. He will sustain me when I’m tired. He will prosper me when I am futile. Because HE IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS ON THE LIST.
So, while I was down on my knees this weekend, I tried to reconcile all that I have learned about Jesus being enough with all that I feel about my glaring inadequacies.
If I’m being transparent, I am mostly talking about my littles. Never before have I felt like such a failure as a parent. I cannot figure out how to make them behave. They yell and scream and hit and run away from me. Nothing that I try works. I am embarrassed to go out in public because I can barely control them. No amount of discipline or consistency matters. I have read books and blogs, listened to podcasts, and prayed like crazy. I have talked to trusted friends, debated with my husband, and cried with my bigs (who are sick of getting hit in the face).
FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot figure out how to fix this little mess.
But I realized that I’m surviving it. Day by day. I am sustained by abiding in the Word. Clinging to it, actually. And HE IS ENOUGH.
You know how I know that?
I’m not struggling with an eating disorder.
I’m not exercising excessively.
I’m not shopping like a holic.
I’m not drinking everyday…or at all.
I’m not pursuing immoral relationships.
I cringe to tell you this, but I did all those things when my bigs were little. I often felt inadequate, and that was how I tried to fix it on my own, to cover it up, or to make it hurt less.
My “solutions” never worked for very long.
This time, however, my roots go deep into the soil of God’s Word, deep enough to sustain me through each day. I claim his truth and hold on to his promises when I feel like giving up. It’s not pretty, and my problems haven’t disappeared, but it’s enough.
That’s why I am sharing this with you – in case you feel inadequate too. I want you to know the life-changing truth that we were never meant to be enough on our own. God knew we would fall short, so he sent his Spirit to be with us and empower us. Jesus spoke of that promise in John 14 and 15 when he told his disciples that God would send the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, to be with those who abide in his Word. He even said, “apart from me you can do nothing,” because he wanted us to know how vital it is for us to be immersed in him. When we are abiding in him, his Spirit abides in us. That’s a powerful promise.
Maybe you feel like you are not enough when it comes to facing:
Whatever it is…He is there, waiting to be your enough. Your loaves and fish. All you need. I gently urge you to get in the Word and soak in its truth; seek him with your whole heart and you will find him. He will provide what you need… and he is the only one who can. He alone can fix your problem, strengthen you to face it, or empower you to seek the help you need. I am sharing my prayer from this weekend, in case you want to pray it too. Blessings!
I thank you for who you are and all that you are. I thank you that even though I fall short, you are enough. I acknowledge that you are my God, the only Provider. Send your Spirit to be with me, to fill me up with your strength and your power and your love. FIll me up to overflowing. I humbly lay all of my inadequacies and failures at your feet and ask that you would move on my behalf. Open my eyes to see you, my ears to hear you, and my heart to receive you. It’s only by your power and might that I will ever be enough. I love you and I trust you. Thank you for all you have done and all you are going to do. May all the glory be yours.
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