scars…
In my last post, I talked about fear. I want to live a fully surrendered life, but there is something that, if I am being honest, I am afraid of letting other people see. I am not talking about a messy house, or my face without makeup, or a bad day when I yell at my kids 1 or 2 (or 100) times.
I used to care about that. I made sure everything looked pretty on the outside all.the.time. Now, I focus more on the condition of my heart than looking all put together. I no longer care if people see the imperfect me; I like her better.
But I still don’t love letting other people see the biggest struggle and failure I have ever faced.
I came face to face with that realization this weekend when I attended the writer’s conference. One of the keynote speakers said something on Saturday afternoon that has haunted me ever since: “where you have scars you have authority.”
We all have a story. We all have stuff. Hard and painful stuff that we have to work through. And it can leave scars.
But like Jesus rose with his scars, our scars show what we have overcome.
Jesus could have risen without his scars, but instead he kept them. They were proof of the victorious power of God in his life. They say, “Death lost. I beat the grave.” Our scars are like that too… proof of God’s redeeming work.
I have scars. And I thought that I was ok with showing them, but the truth is that it’s still hard. I still brace for impact when I tell my story; like I’m standing in the middle of the train tracks and a train is headed right for me. I just stand there, not moving and get hit. I’ve seen it too many times… the flicker of shock in the eyes and the look of disappointment on the faces and the stunned stammers from the lips.
It still makes me want to run the other way in shame, over 10 years later. And I KNOW I AM REDEEMED in the eyes of my Savior. But in my experience, people don’t always respond like God does.
Still, it’s my story. And they are my scars. And in them lies my authority to testify to the magnificent, relentless love of Jesus.
But in order to testify, I have to let the scars show. I have to be willing to share the thing that I least want to share; because my redemption glorifies him. It qualifies me to say with authority that “…nothing in all of creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 8:39)
I was talking to my good friend about this phrase…that has kept me up at night…brought me to tears…rendered me pretty useless for a couple of days… “where you have scars you have authority.”
It’s true for her too. She has scars from a different battle than mine, and it used to be hard for her to talk about them, even to me. Now, she is what I consider a brave warrior. She shows her scars in order to help bring healing to others who are hurting like she was.
That’s love like Jesus.
I think it’s time to talk about my scars.
It’s so easy for me to say, “I’ve made all of the mistakes. And needed grace. And now I love Jesus and here’s what I have learned.” That’s the not so painful way for me to fake vulnerability.
It’s a lot more difficult to say, “I have been a Christian my whole life, but I had weak faith. I went to church, sang on the worship team, stood on stage and read scripture, but I never put in the hard work of growing a personal relationship with God. I wasn’t rooted in truth, so when life got hard and I couldn’t handle it, I bought into the lies instead. Faith that is based on lies instead of truth is worthless, but I didn’t know the difference.
When life got too hard, and I came to the end of myself, I chose sin instead of faith. When I hit rock bottom, I tried everything the world says will make you happy to fix what only God could fix. I was so self-sufficient and so full of pride that I thought God should answer all my prayers; and when he didn’t, I rebelled.
It started out innocently enough; I found friends that liked to have fun, because I needed some fun. It lead to me drinking every single day. Then I started shopping and decorating and buying the latest and greatest clothes. It didn’t help. I obsessively tried to look perfect all the time, thinking that somehow would bring the approval and attention that I craved. It didn’t; but it did send me chasing attention in all the wrong places; and eventually I had an affair.
When a Christian woman, who is highly visible in the church, has a moral failure of that magnitude, it does not go unnoticed. Or unpunished (rightly so).
Overnight, I lost pretty much any ounce of credibility, respect, or trust that I ever had. With everyone. My whole world crumbled. I tried to rebuild what I had lost, but it was almost impossible. I couldn’t take it and ran from everyone, including God.
For two years, I ran. As fast and far from God as I could. I made every single mistake. I reasoned that if this was what Christianity looked like, I wanted nothing to do with it. I wrongly equated my failure with a lack of God’s love.
As hard as it is to believe, the affair wasn’t rock bottom. That came after two years of running when I realized I was lonely, depressed, and worse off without God than I was with him. I had zero hope and felt captive to the darkness. That’s when I finally saw my sin for what it was, sin. No excuses. No blaming anyone else. I had wrecked my own life ALL ON MY OWN.
I hit my knees and God responded with unconditional love and grace that knows no bounds. Even though I was the worst of sinners. Even though I did not deserve God’s love and grace. He met me there, and I’m forever grateful.
I understand totally depravity in a way most people don’t. I am nothing but for the grace of God.
My scars are my authority. I can stand and say that God loves you no matter what you have done or where you have been. I can testify that Jesus is the ONLY source of hope. I can attest to the need for a strong and useful faith that stands in the face of adversity. I can plead with you to spend time in the word and on your knees because there is no substitute; not going to church, not having Christian friends, not saying all the right things.
Because I was there. And his love alone saved me. And my scars tell of his power in my life. And because of it, I chase him with reckless abandon.
This is a lot for one blog post. I know. But I also know that God has asked me to bring truth to the table; and all that comes with it. And that means showing my scars. And maybe, If I have the courage to show God’s glorious work in my life, someone else will have the courage to show their scars too.
If you are hurting, or have scars, hear this: You are not alone. There is hope. God loves you and he is enough. Hang on. Seek Help. Keep going. And as always, you can message me and I will do whatever I can to help.
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Way to be brave, you warrior, you ❤️
Thanks friend! I appreciate that!
So, so, so proud of you for going “there” to reach each of us! Your words ALWAYS challenge me and my faith. I am encouraged to grow a deep strong faith! Love it and you! Muah!!!😘
Thanks friend! Thanks for pushing me and encouraging me and supporting me. Thankful for you.
What an amazing testimony and you, my friend, are so brave, and braveness, and being bold with Christ by your side is the most impactful way to be because nothing is impossible through Christ who gives you strength! I seriously want to hug you through this post!! I wish I could have been by your side to support you, but I was just saying to a friend of mine that God doesn’t bring you through a fire to come through with ashes on the other end. My dear you came through shining!! I love you and I am SO SO proud of you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. Man you and God are going to go on and do amazing things!!!! I am proud of you and I Love you so much!! Reckless abandonment has given your scars authority and I guarantee you have touched so many people! Love you!❤️💕
Alicia
Thanks Alicia! I appreciate your support! Looking forward to getting together.
Every blog I read, I wonder how can your words be so simular to my story, my hurts, my life. So grateful you are sharing, it gives me such hope that I too one day will be able to forgive and love myself as god has . ❤
You are forgiven, my friend. Fully known and fully loved. God knows every part of you and loves you with unending love just the same. You are paid for. Christ bore your shame and you are free! Love Him and love yourself for who he sees you to be: his child. I LOVE YOU.
By HIS STRIPES you are healed! Another visual of the price that HE paid for all of us. Triumphant over Death with scars to show HE conquered the unthinkable! YOU are Amazing, YOU are NOT ALONE, YOU are being obedient and used by HIM for HIS Glory by sharing. xoxoxoxox
Amen! His grace is so good!
Love your “scars” and so awesome to hear your story. We all got em! Thanks for being so brave and so obedient to what God clearly has gifted you with! ❤️
Crying as I read this. I remember a day when the Lord told me to trust that He has you in the palm of His hand, that he would bring you to a place that would glorify His name. Thank you so much for being brave. Thank You for accepting His grace. Thank you for being an example of how I too need to be more accepting of His grace for me.
Love you friend. Thankful for our friendship through all of the hard stuff. Thanks for giving me grace. Love you.
Thank you for sharing, Aminta! It’s in our vulnerability that we all can connect and I admire you for sharing your stories. I’m at a time in my life right now of part of the lows, clinging to my faith, knowing that God has us all in the palm of his hand and working everything for our great good. Keep up the great work!
Thanks for sharing Tracy. I appreciate your honesty about where you are at. I feel like I have camped in the valley of faith for the last several years, so I know where you are at. I am just starting to feel like I’m climbing out. God is faithful. He is holding you by his strong right hand. You have ALWAYS been a light – even to me in the midst of my darkness.
Would love to see you. Holler if you want to grab coffee or dinner. We need each other. Praying for you.
Thanks for being honest about where you are at Tracy. I’m sorry you are in the valley. I know it well. I also know God doesn’t let go. He is holding you by his strong right hand and he is faithful to bring you through. Hang on, beautiful friend.
I’d love to meet for coffee or dinner and catch up. We need each other to make it through. Let me know.
Amazing job, Aminta! You have a beautiful way of presenting these truths. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Thanks Jeremy! I appreciate that.
👍 man of few words but good to read
Thanks Dale!
Love to read your blogs, so good to see how faithful God is! We all have so much to be thankful for and give Him the glory for never giving up on us! God is so good! Thanks for reminding us to keep our eyes on Him!
Thank you so much! God is so good!
I’ve never heard “where you have scars you have authority.”. .that will need to set within me for a bit as I digest that…. If only we never give up on God…but sometimes we do. I agree with your thoughts on what a gracious and loving God we serve – that he always welcomes us back home…
It took me awhile to make peace with it too. But I do believe my scars show that Jesus overcame all of my sin and is victorious. I can stand and attest to it.
…even all the more reasons why I love you so…easy to see that God had a plan for you even back then for He knew the plans he had for you, and it was for good – you conjoined His plan with your free will, and voila’! Hope with beauty and grace. Faith with growth and forgiveness. Love with no shame or regret. XxxoooDanny
I love that! Faith with growth and forgiveness..love with no shame or regret. AMEN!!!
[…] changed when I fell back in love with God (If you haven’t read my story, click here). I started reading the Word everyday and spending a significant amount of time on my knees. The […]
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