the blog i tried not to write about the thing i’m scared to do…
This is the blog post I tried not to write about the thing I’m scared to do.
I sat down several times in the last few days to write a post about some of the things I’ve been learning as I study the New Testament. That was my plan…because I am a planner and I had the whole week plotted out on paper. But each time I got out all of my notes and research, the words didn’t want to come. I had this nagging thought that maybe I wasn’t supposed to write about that topic yet, but instead write about this other thing that I’ve been working on.
I tried to ignore that thought.
It wouldn’t go away.
Finally last night, after two days of some pretty stellar procrastination, I gave in. Tearfully, I might add. Because it’s easier to write about things that are researched and well thought out than it is to write about the real and honest and raw stuff we are going through. But I gave in because I felt like God was asking me to write about this thing, even though I didn’t want to. And because I desire to be obedient, I’m writing about it.
(On a side note, in the last two days, I got some landscaping done in the backyard, washed several loads of laundry, helped my husband install a new brick patio and cleaned almost the entire house. Thank you, procrastination.)
Here’s what I didn’t want to talk about: I’ve been struggling with fear of failure. I didn’t want to write about it because I don’t want to be struggling with it. I know better. I’m in the word everyday for an hour. I made the commitment about 5 months ago to really dig in, and I’ve stuck to it. I read and study and take notes and I know that I don’t need to live in fear because I know who God is…and how much he loves me…and that he will work everything for my good. I’ve read all of the verses that tell us not to fear. ALL OF THEM. Yet, here it is. I feel afraid.
I am afraid people will laugh at me, afraid it won’t be good enough, afraid I will hear from people who matter in the publishing world that I don’t have what it takes, afraid I’ll fail.
For most of the winter, I felt this nudge to start writing, and I just ignored it like I did this blog post. Instead, I made myself really busy with other stuff. And it wasn’t difficult: I have four kids, an old house that always needs a good DIY project, and a super fussy baby. I didn’t even have to try to make excuses, my life actually is crazy.
One night over chips and salsa, I was explaining to a really awesome (and straightforward) friend how I had this nudge from God to write, but I’m too busy and too scared and too underqualified… and she told me to quit being disobedient and start writing. It’s ok. She said it in love and it’s the truth. We all need friends like that.
Disobedient. I’d never thought of it like that, have you? Ignoring and making excuses and procrastinating when I feel God asking me to do something is disobedience. That revelation changed everything for me. Suddenly, I was Jonah and the whale, running away from what God wanted me to do. Ugh! Truth be told, I always thought Jonah was a bit of an idiot. I mean, who runs away from what God is asking them to do? And now I know the answer: me.
So I started writing. And I took an 8 week course on how to get published. And I’ve devoted hours and hours and hours to writing this book that I feel completely unqualified to write. And this weekend I am going to a Writer’s Conference and pitching my book idea to a publisher and I AM TERRIFIED because this brings to the table every little thing that I am scared about. And I don’t want to fail at the thing I have always wanted to do. And now, here I am telling YOU about the thing that I don’t want anyone to know about in case I fail.
But I’m writing this blog despite my fear because I want to be obedient. I want to come before God with open hands and offer him all that I have. I desire to have a brave heart; because I know HE holds it and I don’t want to live in fear. I’m choosing to walk forward in confident faith; knowing that no matter the outcome, God gets the glory. Fear doesn’t win, faith does.
Dear friends. I’m telling you about my fear because I hope my transparency gives you the courage to examine your own heart. Do you have fear? Is God asking you to do something and you are ignoring Him? Procrastinating? Making excuses for why you can’t? Maybe he is nudging you to share your faith with a coworker, or spend time with someone who is hard to love, or give money away that you want to spend on yourself instead. Maybe he’s asking you to turn off your phone, or television or ipad and spend time in his word. Or forgive someone who hurt you. Or do something that makes you feel so scared (like write a book) that you know he wants you to do?
Let’s decide faith triumphs over fear. Let’s be brave together. Comment below about your fear (scary! I know!) and we can cheer each other on.
Joshua 1:9 “This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Please stay respectful with your comments. If your comment is rude or degrading, it will get deleted. If it is critical, please try to stay positive. If you are constantly negative, or demeaning, or a general jerk, troll or hater, you will get banned. The definition of these terms is left solely up to me.