the blog i tried not to write about the thing i’m scared to do…
This is the blog post I tried not to write about the thing I’m scared to do.
I sat down several times in the last few days to write a post about some of the things I’ve been learning as I study the New Testament. That was my plan…because I am a planner and I had the whole week plotted out on paper. But each time I got out all of my notes and research, the words didn’t want to come. I had this nagging thought that maybe I wasn’t supposed to write about that topic yet, but instead write about this other thing that I’ve been working on.
I tried to ignore that thought.
It wouldn’t go away.
Finally last night, after two days of some pretty stellar procrastination, I gave in. Tearfully, I might add. Because it’s easier to write about things that are researched and well thought out than it is to write about the real and honest and raw stuff we are going through. But I gave in because I felt like God was asking me to write about this thing, even though I didn’t want to. And because I desire to be obedient, I’m writing about it.
(On a side note, in the last two days, I got some landscaping done in the backyard, washed several loads of laundry, helped my husband install a new brick patio and cleaned almost the entire house. Thank you, procrastination.)
Here’s what I didn’t want to talk about: I’ve been struggling with fear of failure. I didn’t want to write about it because I don’t want to be struggling with it. I know better. I’m in the word everyday for an hour. I made the commitment about 5 months ago to really dig in, and I’ve stuck to it. I read and study and take notes and I know that I don’t need to live in fear because I know who God is…and how much he loves me…and that he will work everything for my good. I’ve read all of the verses that tell us not to fear. ALL OF THEM. Yet, here it is. I feel afraid.
I am afraid people will laugh at me, afraid it won’t be good enough, afraid I will hear from people who matter in the publishing world that I don’t have what it takes, afraid I’ll fail.
For most of the winter, I felt this nudge to start writing, and I just ignored it like I did this blog post. Instead, I made myself really busy with other stuff. And it wasn’t difficult: I have four kids, an old house that always needs a good DIY project, and a super fussy baby. I didn’t even have to try to make excuses, my life actually is crazy.
One night over chips and salsa, I was explaining to a really awesome (and straightforward) friend how I had this nudge from God to write, but I’m too busy and too scared and too underqualified… and she told me to quit being disobedient and start writing. It’s ok. She said it in love and it’s the truth. We all need friends like that.
Disobedient. I’d never thought of it like that, have you? Ignoring and making excuses and procrastinating when I feel God asking me to do something is disobedience. That revelation changed everything for me. Suddenly, I was Jonah and the whale, running away from what God wanted me to do. Ugh! Truth be told, I always thought Jonah was a bit of an idiot. I mean, who runs away from what God is asking them to do? And now I know the answer: me.
So I started writing. And I took an 8 week course on how to get published. And I’ve devoted hours and hours and hours to writing this book that I feel completely unqualified to write. And this weekend I am going to a Writer’s Conference and pitching my book idea to a publisher and I AM TERRIFIED because this brings to the table every little thing that I am scared about. And I don’t want to fail at the thing I have always wanted to do. And now, here I am telling YOU about the thing that I don’t want anyone to know about in case I fail.
But I’m writing this blog despite my fear because I want to be obedient. I want to come before God with open hands and offer him all that I have. I desire to have a brave heart; because I know HE holds it and I don’t want to live in fear. I’m choosing to walk forward in confident faith; knowing that no matter the outcome, God gets the glory. Fear doesn’t win, faith does.
Dear friends. I’m telling you about my fear because I hope my transparency gives you the courage to examine your own heart. Do you have fear? Is God asking you to do something and you are ignoring Him? Procrastinating? Making excuses for why you can’t? Maybe he is nudging you to share your faith with a coworker, or spend time with someone who is hard to love, or give money away that you want to spend on yourself instead. Maybe he’s asking you to turn off your phone, or television or ipad and spend time in his word. Or forgive someone who hurt you. Or do something that makes you feel so scared (like write a book) that you know he wants you to do?
Let’s decide faith triumphs over fear. Let’s be brave together. Comment below about your fear (scary! I know!) and we can cheer each other on.
Open Hands.
Brave Heart.
Confident Trust.
Joshua 1:9 “This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
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I’ll be praying for you this weekend! Enjoy the time away from the noise of your family and your life to focus on a passion God instilled in you. Can’t wait to see where it leads!
Thanks Heidi! That’s a great point… I haven’t even thought about enjoying it! Lol. Thank you!!!
I echo Heidi’s comments -take time to focus on YOU. Take in as much information as you can over the weekend about your passion! With grit and determination you will succeed.
Thank you!
Wow Aminta. I will respond but it will take a while to digest your honesty. As I look back, my fear of honesty and success has been more dehabilitating that my fear of failure. . Your honesty on both blogs have been frightening and refreshing. Most of us spend too much time polishing the outside of the cup. Your writing chalanges me. Thank you
Thanks David. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
I have a fear of saying “no”…. even when I know my plate is way too full and overflowing.. maybe it is also a fear of disappointing others.. I also have a fear of not being enough… enough as a mom.. enough as a spouse… I will be praying for you this weekend at your writers conference!! Alicia
Thanks Alicia! I appreciate your honesty. Fear is so funny. I mean, I haven’t seen you in so long, but I KNOW from all the time I did spend with you that you are beyond a doubt an amazing mom and wife. You are loyal and you love sacrificially – you did that well even when we were young. You are enough! Love ya.
I have a fear of the future. I get nervous thinking about life after high school and how all of God’s plans and my dreams will play out. And I worry that I won’t do the right and perfect thing. I need to have more confident trust in him; that if I follow his path for me, I’ll be ok.
Thanks for being honest Livi. It is scary to think about the future. You are doing a great job of coming to God each day and giving him your life – that is the best thing that you can do. He will direct your paths – and you are right – you can trust him confidently. Love you. Proud of you.
Dearest Minta,
Our new friendship in Christ means the world to me. You ‘are’ a prayer warrior for sure…I got to experience your fierce prayer in action, and it made me melt into the hands of God as I experienced it. As I shared with you earlier, meeting you was almost like God himself put you in front of me at this time and place. Ironic one of the phrases I shared talked about a lyric from a Christian song: “Fear, it is a liar”. I felt instinctively these words for you – He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. You are a competent high achiever…probably one of the reasons you fear failure. But most importantly, you are a God lover, believer, follower, promoter – the God who has nudged you to write…of course you would consider what would happen if you failed…Him? The answer, you won’t.
Love you,
Danny
Danny,
Thanks for the kind words. You are such a gift. I am so thankful that I got to know you this past weekend. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and your books as well.
Fear is a liar.
Love you
Minta
Thanks Danny,
I appreciate your truth and encouragement. It’s fun how God used the conference to work in our lives…all of our lives. I am so thankful for you and your heart. It was a blessing to be with you.
You are right- fear is a liar!
Minta
AAAHHHH Aminta!! I absolutely loved this post and I love your site and I am so glad I met you this weekend 🙂 You have a real gift, my friend, and I can’t wait to see where God brings you. I will be stopping back frequently, so don’t quite writing. Praying for you, girl!
Thank you so much! I feel the same way… it was fun to meet so many talented writers who love Jesus. I will be reading your blog too… keep at it my friend! Praying always!
Wow. I laughed. A lot. I cried.
I feel inspired. And I feel refreshed from all the truth I find myself in. It’s freeing. Even though it’s through the privilege of seeing someone else practice it. I can feel the freedom and it feels like waking up perfectly rested with the sunrise. Inhale. Exhale. A new day.
I also fear failure. It’s debilitating. And keeps me from trying and pursuing my passions. I fear how others will perceive me. I want to be seen as strong, competent and an achiever. What if I’m not.
I also fear my parents not understanding me, misunderstanding me, or just not caring to understand me. Although this is likely the case, I still don’t want it to keep holding me captive the way it still does. Strange, 14 years after leaving their household, one husband, 2 kids, 2 degrees later… and it still grabs hold of me.
I love you Minta. Thanks for modeling obedience. You’re killing it.
~Miranda
Girl. That vulnerability was beautiful. I don’t know what the passion of your heart is; but chase it. With reckless abandon. God has given you gifts and he intends to continue to use you. You shine a radiant light.
Thankful for you. Let’s be fearless together.
Love you!
Minta
Miranda!
Thank you for being vulnerable. It’s beautiful. Whatever it is that God has planted in your heart, chase it with reckless abandon. You radiate light. God has given you gifts and I KNOW he intends to continue to use you. Let’s be fearless together. Thanks for sharing. I’m praying. People won’t understand but let’s do it anyway.
Love you
Minta
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